Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check ."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"











To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"







See - Men just don't listen!

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything... Tutors, Mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time , day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? "WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said...














"Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

From another board:
__________________

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.

"I'm going to a lecture."

"And who's going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.









"My wife."

TWO WOMEN TALKING IN HEAVEN

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't? so bad. After I quit
shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,
and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I
suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came
home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I
found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another
woman there somewhere that I started running all
over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went
through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and
finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled
over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the
freezer........ we'd both still be alive

<img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> < Hydra, cause it don't make Kia-sense. <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/nana.gif" alt="" />

Why did the lepers stop their hockey game?








There was a face off.

Similar thing happened at the leper baseball game...they had to stop it because someone dropped a ball in left field.

What did the leper say to the prostitute?



Keep the tip.









Carlos

What does the Helen Keller doll do when you wind it up?

Walks into walls

What does the Jayne Mansfield doll do when you wind it up?

Nothing. It's busted.

The Lone Ranger & Tonto were riding down the dusty trail at a full gallop when Tonto suddenly reigned his pony to a sudden stop, dismounted & put his ear to the ground.
After a second or two he looked up at the Lone Ranger & said...Mmmm Kemosabi, buffalo come.
To which the Lone Ranger replied, thats AMAZING, how do you know these things?
Tonto replied...ear sticky. <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />