My dad died October 2 at age 79 of end stage emphysema/COPD. In the mid 1980's he walked out on my mother...never divorced her, just left the house. He did pay a good bit of her bills and supply her with a vehicle, but basically he ignored her and his three sons and daughter. He wanted nothing to do with us, yet my youngest brother tracked him down and forced a relationship on him. As my dad developed health issues, that bond grew stronger but he still did not bother to contact the rest of us.

My dad got really sick in July and we all got contacted. I did visit him at the hospital, mostly to give support to my siblings, but my overall feelings toward the man did not change a bit over the summer nor do I expect them to. Could I have done more for him? Sure, but I resented being sucked back into a relationship in any form and resolved to be happy with myself.

My father was not really in pain during his last days, for that I am grateful. It was sad, knkowing he was dying and thinking of all the time he wasted, and that he chose to do that. My children only remember him as the man who gave their grandmother money and made her sad between his abrubt visits.

My siblings and I did not get any closer due to this experience, in fact I have only seen the three of them twice each since his funeral on October 6. I turn fifty tomorrow, and thought I would be bothered very little by all this, but have been kidding myself.

I feel for you, can only suggest you put the past to rest and focus on the good things you remember of your dad. Do your damnest to not do things he did that cause you pain to your own family. No one is perfect, some people just try harder than others. May you find peace.

Sorry to hear about your loss. <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Prayers to you and your family.

And may you also find peace, JD.

Once Dad started talking about the inevitable, I got him and one of my younger brothers to start a dialogue. In my heart of hearts I knew this was the one thing my Dad wished to mend was the years that were missing with my brother, who still lives in Germany. I gently urged Dad to speak up, and I relayed his message to my brother, and they went from there.

Sometimes we can mend those fences, sometimes not. I hope that void can be filled somehow for you. <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I will tell you right now let go of the Anger and remorse. They will eat you from the inside out. Its ok to be sad, confused, hurt, miss, etc all that is normal and will be ok with time.

On Nov 22 my mom will have been gone for 3 years and it is the anger I have towards her for her actions while alive and the remorse for some of my actions in her last days that are killing me.

Dont end up like me.

I lost my father at age 20. There are still days I wish I could talk to him, bounce stuff off him. My mother and I were not real close. The things in her that drove me crazy probably did so because I can see the same tendencies in me, when I'm honest with myself.

I felt the anger, too. And I was ashamed by it. I was mad at the dead for dying. What a baby I was. I was finally able to accept my mother for what she was, and what they made me. I'll always be a different duck. I hear drums nobody else does.

It's good you posted here. We are the friends who aren't in your face all the time, and it's really easier here.

Celebrate his life. Remember the good ones. Learn from the bad ones.

And it's on you now. You've gotta hump some of his weight. Clean up some of the mess. Those duties make the load lighter, somehow. I think because he is with you when you grab a hold. There's a big laughing man in my head to this day when I try a hard one, nodding and grinning, and handing me the 12mm...

Johnny boy, she already pre-forgave you. Now it's time to do it yourself. We all do some really bad things sometime. Go out and just be nice to an old lady somewhere, sometime. Visit a nursing home, or whatever penance you set yourself. Can't change the past. You can only learn from it. Make the lesson worthwhile. She wouldn't want it any other way, brother. I know just how you feel...

bounce stuff off him

Yeah, I had this very idea back in July when my dad was in Northeast Georgia Medical Center in Gainesville. My brother was in Florida and wanted my dad checked on daily, so I went each night to visit and then phone my brother a report. I am standing in the room, and my father looks at me and says " Where have you been? I told him I had gone to the cafeteria to get a drink and burger...which I was holding. He looked at me and said Where have you been for the last fifteen years, I have hardly seen you?

I was furious. My first inclination was to snatch his ass upright in that bed, stick my H&K to his forehead and blow his brains all over the wall, then walk out to the nurses station and tell them he committed suicide. Instead, I turned and walked out. No sense leaving a $1,000.00 handgun lying on hospital room floor and risk wearing a orange jumpsuit the rest of my life.

My dad was self-centered and oblivious and nobody was ever going to change him. I spent the night with him before he died...as my youngest brother did not want our dad left alone. I left the next day at noon when my sister got there and he passed at 4:00 p.m., as my youngest brother was headed to the hospital to visit him.

We got the last laugh, his three remaining sons and three grandsons laid him in the ground next to my mother. <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I still wish the same. It's conversations we had that I miss the most. Sometimes they were a little crazy. My father had a very acute sense of humour. I remember having a conversation with him about his idea of having 'organic car tyres'. The tyres would grow they own tread and so never wear out <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" /> He pointed out that this would be a problem if you didn't drive the car for a while as the tyres would fill the fender wells and prevent the wheels from rotating <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" />

Despite a continuous flow of ideas like this that were only meant to entertain his brain, he made sure both my feet were firmly planted on the ground.

Yes it's tough, but many of us deal with it and so you can too Larry <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/cheers.gif" alt="" />

My prayers are with you brother.

My dearly departed grandfather taught me to fish and drive a 5 speed. I think of him often and thank him for the things he taught me and time had together before he died from cancer.

Sometime around 1982, the doctor told my grandma she was dying of stomach cancer, and gave her 6 months to live.

She told him she simply didn't have the time for such nonsense- she had two grandkids to watch grow up, and she'd take him up on his offer in 25 years, when she had the time to. On January 1, 2007, she had the time to, and we lost her to slip and fall outside her house. Hell of a way to start the year.

There is the inevitable pain, anger, doubt, and sorry. It can't be real, but it is. It is hard to realize you have lost them, but as the preacher at my grandma's service said, "How can you say you've lost something, when you know exactly where it is?"

Then, comes the reflection, the fond memories of what they taught you. Never forget those, and most importantly, never forget celebrating them, and celebrating who they were in body and in spirit.

My prayers are with you.

Thanks to everyone for all the advice, kind words, and encouragement. It means alot. I truly appreciate it. My mom is up here for Thanksgiving. Kinda weird having her around without Dad being here.

Been feeling better over the last few days. Kind of finding a peace about this. Think that's what he would want. Got to get busy and finish his truck. I'm doing all the things that he wanted to do to it. Feels good to honor him in that way.

Thanks again ya'll for letting me vent this here, in the safety of this forum. I know I may never see most of you, but, if I could, I'd hug every one of ya <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/cheers.gif" alt="" />