Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.
<img src="/forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


(Gotta love tool jokes...)

Oh damn. That's funny. Especially from you <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/kewl.gif" alt="" />

One more I saw recently and laughed at...


The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to her nephew...... .

'Bastards won't let me fart.'

<img src="/forums/images/graemlins/butwiggle.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" />

Might as well add one on here.... keep the lil ones away from the ending <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/shame.gif" alt="" />

A lil boy was taking a shower with his mom one morning, looks up at her and saw her chest. The boy asked "mommy, what are those?" as the boy points. Mom Replys "oh nothing, dont worry about it, just shower and finish up, you're late for school".

Later that afternoon, the lil boy asked his dad. "Daddy, what are those on mommys chest?" Dad replied "those are mommys balloons, when she dies she floats to heaven". The lil boy thought this to be true and went on his way.

The next day, dad comes home early from work and the lil boy comes running down stairs screaming and crying to his dad.. "daddy, daddy... mommy is dying!". The dad kinda laughed to himself and said to him, "why do you say that son?" Then the lil boy in return said, "cause uncle Joe is upstairs blowing up mommy's balloons and she's screaming.. OH GOD I"M COMING!" <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/drunk.gif" alt="" />

Little Johnnie asks what retiree's do with all their spare time.
Well now my wife and I like to do a bit of shopping together as
now we have the time.
Like just the other day we were down at the local supermarket
and when we came out there was a traffic cop writing out a
parking ticket.
We went up to him and said "come on man how about giving a
senior citizen a break?".
He ignored us and kept writing out the ticket.
So I called him a Nazi turd.
He just glared at me and started writing another ticket for the
bald tires.
So my wife called him a s**t head.
He finished writing the ticket then put it under the wiper
with the first ticket.
Then he started writing out a third ticket . this went on for
about 20 minutes as the more we abused him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally we didn't care because it fills in the time waiting for the bus.
It is important to amuse ourselves and have a little fun each day.

lol, How do you screw a fat chick?

Roll her in flour and hit the wet spots...

Thought this was pretty funny.

Reference: Proper Job Placement


1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:


A. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
B. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
C. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
D. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
E. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
F. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
G. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in information Technology.
H. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
I. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
J. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.
K. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
L. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
M. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, in California an archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: 'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old Copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, 'The Birmingham News' in Alabama , reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Leeds , Alabama , Billy 'Bubba' Mitchell, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Mr. Mitchell has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Alabama had already gone wireless."




The South rises again!