I thought somebody'd get a kick out of this story. I had a parasitic loss that ruined a battery. I finally tracked it down to multiple fuses/fuse holders shorted with old spilled coffee. After a bunch of troubleshooting I flipped some fuses so all the numbers were facing the same way because it botherred me. Suddenly the short was gone. I looked closer at the fuses and fusebox and saw the sticky goo. I hosed it all down with electronics cleaner and wiped off each fuse blade. I can't say absolutely for sure if that was it but I have no better theory. I'll keep an eye on the new battery, test my tester, and maybe update here if I find something different. Moral of the story is Don't put your drink on the flat spot on the left of the dash of a gen1.

Also, I got a Northstar group31 marine battery. It's badass.