From another board...please don't crucify me too harshly... <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/shiner.gif" alt="" />
____________________________________________________

These are so bad they are almost funny

> 1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead
> raccoons. The Stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm
> sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
>
> 2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one
> turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
>
> 3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so
> they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it
> sank, proving once again that you can't have your
> kayak and heat it too.
>
> 4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost
> my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The
> first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
>
> 5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused
> Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend
> dental medication.
>
> 6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a
> hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing
> their recent tournament victories. After about an
> hour, the manager came out of the office and asked
> them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they
> moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand
> chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
>
> 7. A woman has twins and gives them up for
> adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and
> is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
> Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
> to
> his birth mother. Upon
> receiving the picture, she tells her husband that
> she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her
> husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen
> Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
>
> 8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry
> payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to
> raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
> from the men of God, a rival florist across town
> thought the competition was unfair. He asked the
> good fathers to close down, but they would not. He
> went back and begged the friars to close. They
> ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh
> MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in
> town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the
> friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back
> if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did
> so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent
> florist friars.
>
> 9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot
> most of the time, which produced an impressive set
> of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
> which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet,
> he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh,
> man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused
> fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
>
> 10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten
> different puns to friends, with the hope that at
> least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun
> in ten did.

Two of my faves:

A skeleton walks into a bar and tells the barkeep "I'll have a pitcher of beer, and a mop."
*********************

A piece of string walked into a small town on a hot, dusty day.
He was thirsty, so he sauntered into the first establishment he
encountered and asked the waiter for a glass of water.

"Sorry", said the waiter, "we don't serve strings here."

Discouraged, the string walked out. A little further down the
street, he met a stranger.

"You look hot," said the stranger. "Why don't you go into that
cafe and get a drink of water?"

"I tried that," said the string, "but the waiter wouldn't serve
me anything because I'm just a string."

"No problem" said the stranger. "I'll fix you up." He grabbed
the string, tied him in a bowline and frayed his ends. "Now try it."

The string slipped back into the cafe and asked the waiter for a
glass of water. "Hey," said the waiter, "aren't you the piece of
string that was just in here?"

"Nope," retorted the string, "I'm a frayed knot."

Those jokes would be on Laffy Taffys if they were 12x bigger.

What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?






Damn! We really do taste like chicken.

A horse walks into a bar, orders up a beer. The bartender fills a mug and asks the horse, "What's up, why the long face?" <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/cheers.gif" alt="" />

A baby seal walks into a club.

<img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/kewl.gif" alt="" />

im an idiot. i read that yesteday and finally got the joke today

A guy goes into a restaurant and lounge, with his shirt open at the collar, and is stopped by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to get in.

So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a tie and discovers that he just doesn't have a one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation, he ties these around his neck, and manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the restaurant. The bouncer suspiciously looks him over for a few moments and then says, "Well, okay, I guess you can come in. Just don't start anything."

**********************

A ham sandwich goes in a bar. The bartender looks at him, shakes his head and says,

"I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."

**********************

A panda walks into a restaurant. He sits down and orders some food. The waiter brings the panda his meal. After he eats, when the waiter brings him the check, the panda takes out a gun and shoots him.

As the panda is leaving, the owner of the restaurant asks him, "Why did you shoot my waiter?" The panda replies, "I'm a panda. Look it up in the dictionary," and walks out.

The owner, now very confused, looks panda up in his dictionary. "Panda: A marsupial that lives in the mountains of China, eats shoots and leaves."

What did the snail say when he hitched a ride on a turtle?


WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!