Rye Bread
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves.
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this but me."

Welfare Office


Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, " Hi. You know, I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."


The social worker behind the counter said, " Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to
drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected
to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have
to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom
apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."


The guy, wide-eyed, said, " You're bullsh!ttin' me! "
The social worker said, " Yeah, well . . you started it."

A happy ending to a sad case of child abuse.

Columbus, OH (AP- Wire) -A seven-year old boy was at
the center of a Franklin County courtroom drama
yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who
should have custody of him. The boy has a history of
being beaten by his parents and the judge initially
awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child
custody law and regulation requiring that family
unity
be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that
his aunt beat him more than his parents and he
adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge
then suggested that he live with his grandparents,
the
boy cried and said that they also beat him. After
considering the remainder of the immediate family
and
learning that domestic violence was apparently a way
of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented
step of allowing the boy to propose who should have
custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and
confer with the child welfare officials, the judge
granted temporary custody to the University of
Michigan Wolverines, whom the boy firmly believes
are not capable of beating anyone.

<img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" /> After Oregon I'm inclined to believe that. <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/cheers.gif" alt="" />

From another board:
___________________

Cussing in Church

A crusty old man walks into the local Catholic Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the priest's study to inform him of her situation. The priest agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to her office and the priest asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money. "

"I see," said the priest . "And is this 8!+(# giving you a hard time?"

Got this one from the wife:

Should females avoid a girls night out after they are married? * .
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos
= MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. sh!t.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

<img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" />


I thought that these were supposed to be bad jokes? <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" />

How many Jehovah Witness' does it take to change a lightbulb?








None, they dont celebrate lightbulbs.

<img src="/forums/images/graemlins/shiner.gif" alt="" />


<img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" />