How do you make a hormone?








Don't pay her.

Why I fired my secretary.

------------------------------------------------------------

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!",
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
" Happy Birthday."

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! "
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?"

I responded,
"I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?"
She said,
"Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back."
"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday".


And I just sat there...












On the couch...































Naked.

That is good.

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back
a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're
both doctors.

After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey, how
about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached. It'll just
be one night of fun."

The woman doctor agrees to it. So they go back to her place
and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and
starts scrubbing up like she'sabout to go into the operating
room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes.

Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an
hour or so.

Afterward, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon,
aren't you?"

"Yes, how did you know?"

"I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started."

"Oh, that makes sense," says the woman. "You're an
anesthesiologist, aren't you?"

"Yeah," says the man, a bit surprised. "How did you know?"

"Because I didn't feel a thing."

Ouch <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/scared.gif" alt="" />

The Detroit Red Wings foreign scout flies to Baghdad
to watch a young Iraqi play hockey in the new American
sponsored league and is suitably impressed and arranges
for him to come over to the US. Ken Holland signs him to
a one year contract and the kid joins the team for the
preseason.

Two weeks later the Wings are down 4-0 to the Blackhawks
with only 10 minutes left. Mike Babcock Gives the young
Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation - scores
5 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for Wings! The
fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted
and the media love the new star. !

When the player comes off the ice he phones his mom to tell
her about his first day of NHL hockey. 'Hello mom, guess
what?' he says in an Iraqi accent. 'I played for 10 minutes
today, we were down 4-0, but I scored 5 goals and we won.
Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'
Wonderful,' says his mom, 'Let me tell you about my day.
Your father got shot in the street and robbed, Your sister and
I were ambushed, raped and beaten and your brother has
joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such
great time.'

The young Iraqi is very upset. 'What can I say mom,
but I'm so sorry.'

'Sorry?!! You're Sorry!!?' says his mom, 'It's your fault we
moved to Detroit in the first place!'

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Leroy and his wife, Carol, hear the announcer say....

"We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You
must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."


Carol goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says..


"We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."


Carol goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again..

when the radio announcer says..

"We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..."

Then the electric power goes out. Carol is very upset..
and with a worried look on her face she says..


"Honey, I don't know what to do.
Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice...

like all men who are married to BLONDES exhibit..

Leroy says...

"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Sarah the sexy secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you"
"Sarah honey, why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."
"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You aren't sterile....."


Carlos

There's Always Two Ways to Look at Things

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady, swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My goodness !" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?!ö

You're right.


3 Old Ladies
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."



Carlos