Been debating for a week whether or not to post this on here. Came to the realization that I need as much input as possible on how to deal with this. I value everybody's opinions on this board, even if I don't agree on certain issues. A little background....

I'm an only child from my Dad's 2nd marriage. My parents were together for 34 years. He was 42 when I was born (my mom was 22 <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" /> can you say "Go Daddy") He was a carpenter/general contractor and a musician most of his life. He served in the Army from '53-'59, said he was lucky. Missed both Korea and Vietnam. He was a great man and a good father. An excellent example of a husband. He wasn't perfect, but if he was wrong, or could possibly be wrong, he admitted it. I learned how to ride a bike, tie my shoes, swing a hammer, how to work my a$$ off, punctuality, honesty, integrity, everything, from him.

He died on October 27th at 12:08 am. God I miss him. Cancer finally won. Took 5+ years. Tough SOB, I tell ya.

What I'm struggling with are the feelings. Anger, sorrow, remorse, joy.... you name it. Anger for some the things that were wrong between he and I growing up. Sorrow for obvious reasons. Remorse for not having made everything right that I could have and for things left unsaid. Joy for knowing he's in a better place and not in pain anymore.

Guess I'm looking for insight from those that have been thru this, or if you have ideas on how to move past it.

Thanks in advance guys (and Margie and LadyWest)

Larry

Very sorry to hear about your loss. I have not lost a parent, but I have no grandparents left anymore, which at the age of 25 sucks. They have all been passed for about 5 years now too.

If you ever feel sad or upset, just try and think of some of the good times ya'll had...him teaching you how to ride a bike, or building things with him.......

Again, sorry to hear about your loss, and I hope that you can find ways to deal with your feelings.

<img src="/forums/images/graemlins/cheers.gif" alt="" />
B

I feel for you Hazy.........Both my parents are gone and to be honest it sucks......surround yourself with friends and coworkers etc.....it may not seem like it at times but know within reach you have a support group of friends who like/love you that can help you through it. People who have not and even some who have will/may say some stupid chit to you know for the most part they are only trying to help. The holidays will be tough.......the first go around are. Hang in there and know in time it will ease up ........you will still miss the hell out of him but it won't be as tough............

Peace

Tim <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/patriot.gif" alt="" />

It takes time, lots of time. Hang in there and x2 what Fstop said.

I have been thinking about you Hazy and was going to PM you to see how you were.

My father died with cancer when I was 19, almost 20. He was 47. I know it's a tough process to go through. My father has missed every major event in my adult life and my children never met him, although they still refer to him as Grandpa.

It does take time, but don't try and get over it, it's more getting used to it. I found that talking about him with my family helped a lot. Remember that whatever bothers you about the past, is the past and it won't help to dwell on that.

Take it easy <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/kewl.gif" alt="" />

Hi Larry,
You are not in an easy place, both my parent have passed on. My mom passed suddenly on Valentines evening 27 years ago. I was going to collage down in Fla and did not learn of this till after her services. My dad passed a year n half ago after withering away from Diabetes. Receiving the shells from the military honors broke me down. I have the flag and shells on a display for him.
I am now pre diabetic and with his demise fresh on my mind it is not comfortable. I do not have any children so I expect only my wife may be there as I fade away or at least I may do what I can for her as the years slide by.

At this point good thoughts are about the best we can have. Our relationship with loved ones that have passed on will remain as they are. We are the best that they could form us to be and hope we are as good as they wanted.

Your thoughts for him will always be with you. Peace.

Charlie

Larry -

Your circumstances sound all too familiar. My dad (WWII vet) died from prostate cancer that matasticized to bone cancer after fighting it for several years. The end wasn't pretty, but when I knew it was a matter of hours, I found myself pushing the morphine delivery button as frequently as the apparatus would allow.... in hopes of hastening the inevitable. I had mixed feelings about that for a few days, but I think it was the right thing to do - at least for me. The man taught me more than I can remember.... guns, hunting, engines, baseball.... you name it, he knew a little about everything and a lot about nothing.... and inspired me to become just like him - maybe a good thing, maybe not. All I know is that the memories of trying to carry his tool box for him..... or the hours of him catching by curve, slider and fastball were some of the happiest days of my life. I still would love to carry that tool box for him one more time.

My mother's death followed within 2 years.... pneumonia, with diabetic complications. While I never completely understood her, I do remember that she took me to every Little League ball game I ever played.... and stayed and cheered for our team the entire game.

I think most of us go through good and not-so-good times with our parents.... and as a result, a great many things go unsaid and unsettled until it's too late. The burden of that is left with the living in the form of guilt generated by sadness. AFAIK, there is no cure.

The memory of a parent never goes away - particularly one who was a friend. The pain never quits....... but it does get better with time. There is never a day that I don't think about my parents - sometimes at the strangest moments - because something - a smell, a sound, a voice - reminds me of one of them.

After my father died, I didn't erase his answering machine for weeks, because I wanted to hear his voice. Eventually, I realized that wasn't going to help and went about sorting through his possessions. Some of his more unique tools found their way into my toolbox <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> and I can say that was the very best tonic I prescribed for myself. Every time I use one of his tools that resolves a problem or makes it easier to complete, I carefully clean the tool before putting it away and say "Thanks, Daddy".

I've also found myself talking with my parents when I'm alone on a clear cold night outside. Whether a person believes in Heaven or not, there's something peaceful about imagining that there is a better place for one's spirit to reside - although in truth, one's spirit is probably what is left behind on Earth to guide future generations.

For now, you're in a phase that must be gone through to begin to heal emotionally. One day - maybe a month, maybe a couple of years from now - you'll begin to cry uncontrollably and without shame. When that's finished, you'll start feeling a little better - not all at once, but a little at a time. But - you will never forget - nor should you. The experience will have the effect of changing the way you view life and those around you. Everything will have more meaning and the things of importance will become easier to identify.

Best wishes,
Frank

>>>*In every single one of our lives, there are things we regret, wish we could change.

I grew up having a Father that believed in work, he rose with the Sun and stopped when it went down. That never changed, not on weekends, ever.

The simple truth was that because he was a poor farmer, that lifestyle was a necessity if young hungy mouths were to be fed and clothed.

So my three brothers and I did the same, we were either in school or had chores, duties. Those were not requests from him.

I regreted not having had more time for family fun, trips, things like that. I saw my peers in town, their fathers all had jobs, thus time. I concede to wishing I could live more like that as a young man.

I remember him telling me many things, one statement struck home. He said, "We do not get to relive life so do the best you can the first time."

Remember the good times, those will always be more important than any others. Plus the end of this life is no end, something I am blessed to know as fact.......*EB

I am very sorry for your loss and will definitely keep you in my prayers.

First, understand that ALL those feelings are perfectly natural. As far as moving on it will take some time and I feel it important to tell you to take your time. Burying emotions doesn't help as they tend to resurface later. (especially remorse, regret) There is some great advice here, especially thinking about/talking about the good times. After the passing of my grandmother it was nice getting together with family to talk and laugh about what a great lady she was. That time helped a lot. My best to you and your family.

Carlos

Larry, our most heartfelt condolences.

We here have lost our Dads within a few months apart this last year; both to esphogeal (2yr) and prostrate (7yr) cancers. We cherished our Dads; fine men, loved and respected by many.

This will be your Year of Firsts.

Last spring, I cried when I picked up a Father's Day and birthday card for Pop, as I had just been to Spokane to help him ramp up bees for the summer. I knew these would be the last ones he would get; I was back on the plane in July to see him off the planet.

In my formative years, Mom kept him from contacting us for 7 years. When I was able to buy stamps and drop off my own mail, he knew we missed him. As adults, we've done our best to make up for lost time, and it was almost like we didn't miss a beat once we got past the hurt and anger to find out what had actually happened.

After returning home after his memorial service, I had a swarm of bees waiting in a nearby willow; my first ever to handle by myself. As I gently slid my hand into that mass of quivering creatures, my tears came as I thanked my father for all his knowledge, love, and compassion for his 'girls'. I like to think that was his way of giving me comfort, and letting me know he'd made it to the Other Side, wherever it is. It was a great day, and from then on, I've talked to him whenever I've felt the need; it's healing; comforting.

I still long to pick up the phone and give him a bee report, but call my brother instead, and we compare notes.
We all have some retrospect on the coulda/woulda's. We can't undo them, but we shouldn't let them burden us; we deserve to be good (and sometimes forgiving) to ourselves.

When you and your Mom are ready to go through his stuff, do it together. I helped a friend this spring after her husband's death (very young), and through tears and laughter, we got through it all. You'll be able to support each other-- it's intensely personal, so just be there. You guys don't have to do this alone if you don't want to. At least offer to be there for this chore.

My roomie is an only child also; she wears some of her Dad's shirts when she misses him. She sends her stepmom flowers on his birthday and their anniversary to let her know she's being thought of.

I also thank my grandparents; I grew up with them on and off over the years. The work that comes from my hands is their gift to me; so they are never far away either.

If you folks need some bereavement counselling, please discuss this with your physician. When Pops passed away, my sister and nieces' worlds fell apart; counselling has kept them out of the darkness. I escorted them on their first visits before I flew home, and they've continued to move forward.

Look in the mirror Hun; your Dad has already given you a lot. Though your heart is full of grief, that love within you will be your strength. As Frank mentioned, once that wave has washed over and spent you, you'll start coming out the other side.

Hug yer Mom for us. <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/cyclops.gif" alt="" />