Larry, our most heartfelt condolences.

We here have lost our Dads within a few months apart this last year; both to esphogeal (2yr) and prostrate (7yr) cancers. We cherished our Dads; fine men, loved and respected by many.

This will be your Year of Firsts.

Last spring, I cried when I picked up a Father's Day and birthday card for Pop, as I had just been to Spokane to help him ramp up bees for the summer. I knew these would be the last ones he would get; I was back on the plane in July to see him off the planet.

In my formative years, Mom kept him from contacting us for 7 years. When I was able to buy stamps and drop off my own mail, he knew we missed him. As adults, we've done our best to make up for lost time, and it was almost like we didn't miss a beat once we got past the hurt and anger to find out what had actually happened.

After returning home after his memorial service, I had a swarm of bees waiting in a nearby willow; my first ever to handle by myself. As I gently slid my hand into that mass of quivering creatures, my tears came as I thanked my father for all his knowledge, love, and compassion for his 'girls'. I like to think that was his way of giving me comfort, and letting me know he'd made it to the Other Side, wherever it is. It was a great day, and from then on, I've talked to him whenever I've felt the need; it's healing; comforting.

I still long to pick up the phone and give him a bee report, but call my brother instead, and we compare notes.
We all have some retrospect on the coulda/woulda's. We can't undo them, but we shouldn't let them burden us; we deserve to be good (and sometimes forgiving) to ourselves.

When you and your Mom are ready to go through his stuff, do it together. I helped a friend this spring after her husband's death (very young), and through tears and laughter, we got through it all. You'll be able to support each other-- it's intensely personal, so just be there. You guys don't have to do this alone if you don't want to. At least offer to be there for this chore.

My roomie is an only child also; she wears some of her Dad's shirts when she misses him. She sends her stepmom flowers on his birthday and their anniversary to let her know she's being thought of.

I also thank my grandparents; I grew up with them on and off over the years. The work that comes from my hands is their gift to me; so they are never far away either.

If you folks need some bereavement counselling, please discuss this with your physician. When Pops passed away, my sister and nieces' worlds fell apart; counselling has kept them out of the darkness. I escorted them on their first visits before I flew home, and they've continued to move forward.

Look in the mirror Hun; your Dad has already given you a lot. Though your heart is full of grief, that love within you will be your strength. As Frank mentioned, once that wave has washed over and spent you, you'll start coming out the other side.

Hug yer Mom for us. <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/cyclops.gif" alt="" />