Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.'
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'cuz he'd be f--ked if he needed glasses!!

Nice funeral
_____________________________________

Fred died. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend, Jody, and says, 'Well, I'm sure Fred would be pleased.'

I'm sure you're right,' replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. 'How much did this really cost?'

'All of it?' said Helen. 'Thirty thousand.'

'Really?' Jody exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?'

Helen answered, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.'

Jody says, '$22,500 for a memorial stone? My goodness, how big is it ?!'

'Two and a half carats'

Johny jokes are funny. <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/kewl.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/lol.gif" alt="" />

Any of you guys have sirius radio?

And do any one listen to Jackies Joke Hunt on Tuesday's @ 7pm? <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/cheers.gif" alt="" />

NSFW Though. <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/shame.gif" alt="" />

Not a Johny Joke, but still funny.

How do you talk a fat girl into having sex?














Ahh, Piece of cake! <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/ignore.gif" alt="" />

I pulled into the crowded grocery store parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my little dog Lucy had fresh air. I was just going to be a minute.

She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backwards, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, 'Now you stay. Do you hear me?' 'Stay! Stay!'

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"

Two guys are drinking in a bar.

One says, "Did you know that lions have sex
10 to 15 times a night?"


"Ah crap," says his friend, "and I just joined the Elks!"

Goldish funeral

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VW5JnGKDszY

Whaen I was working auto parts, this young girl called up for brake pads for her cute little white 4-door. <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/shiner.gif" alt="" />

Now for the joke:

There was a girl who just started working in a bank. Every day, she noticed that a very attractive man walked by her office. She discovered that he was the bank president and that he made quite a lot of money. She decided that she would like to get to know this man, but she was not quite sure what to do to get him to ask her out on a date.

She went to her analyst and he gave her some advice. While she was around this man he suggested that she pretend a string was attached to the top of her head and that it hung down her left side to her waist. She was to also to pretend that a penny was attached to the end of the string. When she walked near this guy she was to pretend to hit the penny with her left hip. This, stated the analyst, would cause him to notice her.

The next day, she passed the man in the hall and began moving her left hip. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the penny... hit the penny..." Just as the analyst predicted, the man noticed her and stopped to chat for a while.

This worked well for a few days, but the man never did ask her out. She talked to her analyst again, and this time he told her to pretend that she also had another string attached to the top of her head that hung down to her right hip. Attached to this string was a nickel. As she walked near the man she was now to use her hips to first hit the penny and then hit the nickel.

The next day at work, she saw the man and began moving her hips. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the penny... hit the nickel..." Just as predicted, the man stopped her and asked her out on a date.

After a few weeks and numerous dates later, the girl decided that she wanted this man to ask her to marry him. After talking to her analyst, he suggested she pretend she had another string attached to the top of her head that hung down her back to her bottom, and attached to this string was a dime. She was now to use her hips to hit all of these coins.

The next day they had a date, and when she saw the man she began moving her hips again. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime..." That night, just as the analyst predicted, the man asked her to marry him.

She was very happy, and began to make wedding plans. She also began to worry about her honeymoon because she was a virgin and was not well versed in the art of making love. She talked to her analyst again and this time he told her to pretend that one more string was attached to the top of her head and than it hung down in front of her to her private parts. He told her to hit the coins when she was making love to her new husband.

A few weeks later her wedding day arrived. After the ceremony the newly married couple rushed off to their honeymoon. That night she went into the bathroom at the hotel and practiced moving her hips. "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter... hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter..." Soon they were in bed together and as they began making love she started moving her hips. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter... hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter... Oh, forget the small change... hit the quarter... hit the quarter... hit the quarter...!!!" <img src="/forums/images/graemlins/drunk.gif" alt="" />

A baby seal walks into a club...